Category Archives: Fear Less Fridays

Live More, Fear Less: Follow a Hero

Posted on by
Reply

Growing up, my mother was my hero. She immersed herself in motherhood, and sacrificed a chance at a career to stay home and raise my siblings and I. She loved us unconditionally, taught us to play fair and work hard, taught us to laugh – because that’s how she lived. When I had children of my own, I decided early on to be as much like my mom as I could be. I wasn’t perfect at it (neither was she) but I wanted my kids to know what it felt like to be loved and respected.

If following my mother’s example is any indication, then following a hero can make us better people by emulating their good qualities. Real heroes sacrifice unselfishly for others and strive to make a difference in their world. They push past their fears and climb over obstacles that would stop most people – and as a result, inspire us all. Who isn’t inspired by reading a story or watching a movie based on the true life of a hero?

…in the end, these are [hero] stories not just of courage, but of inspiration, stories that, if we let them, will help us to see our world as a place where the real heroes go about their lives in ways not played out upon a grand stage in front of thousands, but on a small stage, or even back stage, in front of few. ~ Michael Cleveland, Merrimack Journal

Do you have a dream but are fearful to move forward with it? Maybe what you need is a hero to inspire you, or just someone else who is already chasing their dreams. Try looking to your family or friends, a neighbor or co-worker. For movies where the “good guy” wins out (read my take on heroes and underdogs), watch A Beautiful Mind, Chariots of Fire, Coal Miner’s Daughter, Norma Rae, October Sky, Rudy, or The Pursuit of Happiness.

If you still need inspiration, here are a few places you might find it:

♦   Joseph Badal, the author of five published suspense novels, blogs once a month about Everyday Heroes — military and civilian heroes who make a difference in the lives of others, and even a black bear that went the extra mile.

♦   Every Friday at the Living Better Stories website, Jeremy Statton blogs about people who are doing something Secretly Incredible. In a recent blogpost he wrote, “I tell you the stories of amazing people. People whose lives don’t fit the category of normal. People that blow me away. Their lives, especially their decisions to live for something bigger than themselves, inspire me to do more with my life.” He doesn’t call these people heroes but they are.

♦  Lisa-Jo Baker is a mother who inspires and encourages other mothers (and anyone with a heart) at Tales from a Gypsy Mama. She did a great post On (not) Raising Deadbeat Dads, and here are bits and pieces from Daughter, you can take this one to the bank:

I will always come

I’m tired and she’s tired. I’ve already put her to bed more than once tonight. She’s standing in the crib…on tippy toes with soft, chubby arms stretched out to me as far as she can lean. She’s standing with eyes trained on the door and fingertips craning toward me… I will always come, baby…I dance with her slowly – the rock and roll of motherhood – and I know this is a promise I can stake my life on. I will always come…

When the mean girls make you want to shrivel inside your skin…when you get laughed at and people point fingers at your hair and your shoes and your too bony hips. My darling, I will come. When that boy breaks your heart…When you say your “I do’s”, when you start your happily ever afters, when none of it quite feels like you thought it would…when you regret what feels like signing your life away to someone else. When you keep on keeping on…I will so be there…

I will rock and roll you with my love and the promise that I will help you get back on your feet. I will hold your hand. I will rejoice. I will babysit. I will pass the tissues. I will wash the dishes. I will come. Tonight. Tomorrow. And the day after. And after. And then some.

Get inspired. Follow a hero. Take a step today, even a small one, toward making a difference or chasing a dream. Ordinary people can do extraordinary things. Even you.

Who inspires you? Who is your hero?

Live More, Fear Less: Have a Grateful Day

Posted on by
2

We can’t change what happens to us – too many things are outside of our control – but we can determine our reaction or response to those things. We can also shift our focus and be grateful for what we have in the face of our circumstances.

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

Being grateful changes our perspective and helps us to appreciate our blessings. A thankful person is also less likely to complain. And when we’re full of gratitude, there is little room for fear or worry that can hold us back and bring us to a deep, dark place that’s hard to climb out of.

Being grateful is easy. You can take any negative and turn it around. You might not like your job, but because of it you can pay for a place to live and food to eat. Your car might be broken down, but you can still walk. It might rain on your wedding day, but rain waters the earth and makes everything fresh. No food to eat? You have arms to hold others and a voice to uplift those in need.

Finding the positive in a tragedy isn’t quite so easy. I once took a course that required the students to write their life out on a timeline – all those important happy/sad events that shaped us. What I found out, looking back on my timeline, was that I hadn’t walked that path alone. I had family or friends or the presence of God to get me through all the awful things. And seeing that, in hindsight, made me grateful. All those bad times helped to shape me and, though I could have done without them, I’m the person I am today because of them. Maybe I wouldn’t be as concerned for those who suffer if I hadn’t gone through what I did.

The hardest part of being grateful is remembering to be. But if we determine to make a change in how we look at things, there are a lot of ways to start making thankfulness a habit. Here are a few suggestions:

  1. Make a Gratitude Board. Post pictures on a wall or a board of the things you’re grateful for in your life. The visual aspect of this is an excellent reminder, and if you put it in a place where you see it throughout your day, it’s even more helpful. Kathi Lipp talks about practicing gratitude and creating a gratitude board in her blog.
  2. Keep a Gratitude Journal. The Benefits of Positive Thinking website suggests writing in a journal or notebook at the beginning of the day, or the end, or even taking it with you to jot down your thoughts during the day. “Because you actually stop to write what you are thankful for, you do dedicate some time to reflect about it. You take the time to count your blessings….”
  3. Begin and End with Thankfulness. Before I get up in the morning, I take the time to remember the good things in my life and be thankful. Doing this gets me in the right frame of mind for the rest of my day. At night, reflecting on the positives that happened that day also helps bring me peace and a good night’s sleep.
  4. Be Observant. Determine not to take things for granted. Being grateful for the big things in life (like having a family or a job) is important, but so is being thankful for the little things. Notice the awesome blue in a clear summer sky, and be grateful you have eyes to see it. We have salt for our food, clean running water, toilets (and toilet paper). So many good and ordinary things to be grateful for, and if they were gone we would surely miss them. 
  5. Say Thank You. Recognize acts of kindness and express your gratitude even for little things, whether to family, friends, or strangers. Write notes, send emails, make a phone call – and do it as soon as you think of it. You’ll brighten someone else’s day and yours as well.

Why don’t you start a list of the things you’re grateful for? Make it easy. Starting today, write down three things you’re grateful for and why. Then every day add at least one new thing to the list. In a month’s time you’ll have more than 30 things on your list.

I’ve heard that if you do something everyday for 21 days, you’ll make that thing a habit. There are so many worse things to make a habit of than being grateful.

Today, what are you grateful for?

Fear Less Fridays: Can Bravery Be Taught?

Posted on by
Reply

Even with my limited military experience, I know the value of training. Like taking a weapon apart and putting it back together, over and over, so you can do it and do it right without really thinking. Take care of your weapon and it will take care of you, kind of thing. Various forms of combat training, mock emergency exercises, gas mask drills – all for the goal of solidifying the important things into your brain so when you need to, you and your body react with little or no hesitation.

I used to volunteer with a white-water rafting company. I trained with the rest of the staff before rafting season, and during the season we trained groups of clients in river safety before each trip. Weekend after weekend, and year after year, it all got drilled into my brain. And when I actually fell out of a raft one day and found myself trapped underneath it and spinning in the current at the base of a small waterfall, my body did what my brain had been trained for – and I did exactly what was necessary to escape, without panic.

Knowing the value of training is also the reason I always read through the emergency procedure literature on an airplane before takeoff and watch the flight attendant demonstrate getting out of a seatbelt and putting on an oxygen mask. I look at the pictures and go through the steps in my mind, imagining myself opening those emergency doors and escaping. I want my mind to be ready, just in case, so my body responds accordingly.

The armed forces, police, firefighters, and emergency/rescue workers train hard, and sometimes for years, in order to respond correctly in the face of danger or disaster. Many of these people will tell you, when asked about their bravery, that they are just doing their jobs the way they were trained to do them. I can see this might be true the first time a person is tested, but what about after that?

It takes real bravery to face an enemy more than once, whether the enemy is found in nature or a fellow human. Doing so could be grounded in training, as well as camaraderie – watching somebody else’s back, not wanting to let your buddy down. Often, I think, it’s also the result of truly knowing what the right thing is, and doing it. Otherwise, ordinary people wouldn’t rush into burning buildings to save strangers.

But where do the roots of such bravery come from? Maybe from parents or others that children admire, teaching them by their words and actions to love their country, respect life, do the right thing, and make a difference. These are the children who grow up to choose vocations that take them into danger or to dedicate their lives to helping others. Or to simply live ordinary lives with grace and conviction (which ultimately leads to a better world).

We may not be able to teach bravery but perhaps we can plant the seeds of courage.

Where do you think courage comes from?

Live More, Fear Less: Passing on Our Fears

Posted on by
Reply

My friend’s baby, startled by the awful grating noise of a paper shredder, looked quickly at me. Her eyes were wide, mouth open but not making a sound as she sat, rigid now, in her baby carrier a few feet from me. In that instant I knew that sweet little thing was looking to me either for reassurance or to know if she should really be afraid. She was only a few months old, but she had that survival instinct built into each of us to fear the unknown. Her mother’s back was turned to her while she fed papers into the shredder, so the baby had turned to me, the only other person in the room, to see how I reacted to the noise. I smiled and said silly things. She kicked and gurgled, her fear gone.

That’s the way it is – our children are little sponges. And if we’re not careful, as they sop up the good things we want them to learn, they can also acquire other things we’d rather them not.

Some fears are more normal than others (see my post on survival instinct). But the more vocal or animated parents are about what they themselves are afraid of, the easier it is for a child to learn to be afraid of those same things. Like if we scream and run every time we see a bug. Or if we’re overcautious of germs or afraid to try new things (whether food, a different sport, or traveling).

Our children don’t have to acquire our fears. We can pass them on or determine not to by the choices we make. The following is an excerpt from a post written by Ericka Waller for Circus Queen:

Living with anxiety left me living a half-life. Forget rock, paper, scissors – fear beats them all hands down. If fear were a trump card, it would always win the game.

The thought of my daughters spending a single second feeling how I felt for all those years, how sometimes I still feel on bad days, fills me with dread. It forces me to stand in long queues with them at zoos and parks and shops, even though the urge to run away (fight or flight response) is so strong my head spins. It forces me to drive on the motorway, even though, for me, it’s a white knuckle ride. It forces me to eat food I hate, so they might love it. It forces me to stop, to think, to censor. It pushes me out my comfort zone.

My love for my daughters stands shoulder to shoulder with my fear. It looks it in the eye and says “I’m not scared of you.” But I still bite my nails.

I will not let my girls see me struggle however. They will never know my fear. This will not happen to them. I simply shall not let it.

My mother happily handed down her insecurities, phobias and failings to me, and I, just a little four[-year-old], happily biting her nails, happily accepted them.

It stops here.

I never wanted my children to be like me, to be afraid to do or even to try. When they were young (and so was I), I loved and respected them and hoped that would be enough. With my granddaughter, I am more aware of my influence on her and more purposeful in my encouragement. I want her to experience life more fearlessly than I have.

Do you have fears that were passed on to you? Do you have fears you don’t want to pass on?

Live More, Fear Less: We Are Not Alone

Posted on by
Reply

Do aliens live among the stars?

What do you think of when you look into a clear and cloudless night sky shimmering with a vast glittery field of stars? Aliens? Watch Men In Black (any installment) for a hilarious look at the possibilities.

Could aliens actually exist out there somewhere? Some of my science fiction stories take place on other worlds inhabited by intelligent other-than human life-forms. But if you were to ask me if I believe aliens exist in the universe, my answer would be “possibly, but not probably.” I believe in intelligent design, and so (in my mind), if aliens are a part of the big creative design, then we will eventually find them or they will find us.

On the other hand, if aliens don’t exist, why is space filled with so much stuff? If the planets and their moons in our solar system help keep the earth in just the right position for life to be sustained, maybe all the other galaxies in space are necessary to keep all of everything in balance. Or maybe it’s not that complicated. Is it possible that God put all those stars, planets, and suns out there just to amaze us with his handiwork, as proof of his awesome power? Who hasn’t gone “Wow” when looking up at that splendor or been dumbstruck by the sheer beauty of it?

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. ~ Anne Frank

I imagine Anne Frank, hiding in the attic with her family, peeking out of a shuttered window at the vastness of a midnight sky, and writing the above quote in her diary. Every day she lived with the fear of being discovered by the Nazis. She certainly wasn’t happy with her circumstances. Or with her voice being held captive, except for what she released in the entries of her diary. Yet she held on to hope and her faith, even until the end.

The wisdom of a child may be just what we need when we find ourselves fearful, lonely or unhappy. The handiwork of an awesome creator is everywhere, but especially in the “wow” of an immense, inverted, star-sharp sky where we can believe we’re not alone.

When was the last time you sought peace, alone with nature and God?

Live More, Fear Less: Aging (with Style)

Posted on by
2

After my recent post about finding beauty in imperfection, I came across Ari Seth Cohen’s Advanced Style blog. According to a note in the sidebar, he roams “the streets of New York looking for the most stylish and creative older folks” to photograph. He shares these photos on his blog, as well as video interviews. He says, “Respect your elders and let these ladies and gents teach you a thing or two about living life to the fullest.”

In one post he explains that he “started the blog in order to change people’s perception of aging and show that there is much fun to be had once you reach 80, 90 and 100 years old. Women often tell [him] that after 40 they have started to feel invisible…girls have reached out to tell [him] that they look forward to growing old like the Advanced Style ladies. Older women have commented that [his] photos have given them the permission to dress up and feel good about themselves.”

He’s also working on a documentary film titled Advanced Style which presents “portraits of women aging gracefully with tremendous spirit [that] will challenge conventional ideas about beauty, growing old, and Western culture’s increasing obsession with youth.”

If my mother was still alive, she’d celebrate her 85th birthday this year. I like to think Ari Seth Cohen would have picked her out of the crowd to photograph, too. She wasn’t extravagant, but she loved color, walked with her head held high (because ladies should have good posture), owned dozens of purses and scarves, and never left the house without wearing a bright shade of lipstick and a spray of perfume.

There is something remarkable about people who dress in their own unconventional way, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It speaks of freedom and courage (and maybe rebellion). Seeing someone – especially an elderly someone – dressed in classic elegance or crazy colors and patterns always makes me smile. Not because I think they look funny but because I know they must be the most interesting people to get to know. They have stories to tell and something to say to the rest of us.

Do you know someone from the “wise and silver-haired set” who you’ll never forget because of their own special style?

Live More, Fear Less: Imperfection

Posted on by
Reply

beauty in imperfectionI’m not perfect, but I want to be. I accept imperfection in others because I know no one is perfect. But for some reason, it’s hard to apply that acceptance to myself.

I strive for perfection, not in my physical appearance (that’s beyond help), but in most things I do in my life. This does not include housework, however. I decided years ago to take on my mother’s philosophy that there are better things to do than clean one’s house everyday. My nagging – no, my screaming – perfectionism deals with just about everything else.

When I do something for someone, like complete a job or make a gift or cook a meal, I strive to make sure it’s done perfectly, and beat myself up if it’s not. Perfection is, after all, what others expect from me, right? It’s taken me years to realize that people don’t expect perfection from me, any more than I expect it from them. I need to remind myself of this truth just about every day.

Now that I’m aging – the proof of it in graying hair, wrinkles, and body parts that droop (yippee) a little bit more each day – I’m facing even more personal imperfection. Oddly, this lack of being perfect doesn’t bother me so much.

I look at nature. Often, the most beautiful trees are those that have grown a bit crooked, off-centered but somehow still balanced. Their imperfect shadings of leaf and bark catch my eye. And smooth, shiny stones are certainly beautiful, but it’s the ones with cracks and interesting veins of impurity that I’ll turn over in my hands and look at the most.

If I understand the concept right, the Japanese call it wabi-sabi, which has to do with finding beauty in imperfection – those things that are simple or unrefined, not quite symmetrical, that have attained beauty or serenity through age or wear.

If we live long enough, we will all be old someday. Our youth will fade, but will our beauty, really? Or will that which we think is beautiful change? If we allow ourselves, will we see the beauty in how time changes us? We cannot be perfect but we can be beautiful.

Let us strive to accept the imperfection in ourselves and in others. What do you think is beautiful but imperfect at the same time?

Live More, Fear Less: Living with a Purpose

Posted on by
Reply

I’m the kind of person who roots for the underdog. I like movies where the little guy comes out on top and books where the hero wins in the end.

The thing about underdogs and heroes is they DO something. They’re working towards a goal, often while trying to overcome a personal shortcoming along the way. Even if they give up at some point, they always end up getting back on track. Heroes and underdogs don’t always get what they start out wanting. They might have to shift focus to see what’s really important. And usually what’s really important is something or someone outside of their me-world or I-want way of living.

Another thing that heroes and underdogs have in common is facing their fears. And deciding at a particular moment that something is more important than fear. You can bet firefighters are afraid just about every time the alarm sends them out on a call. They have a purpose in life that is beyond themselves, and so they push through.

Not everyone knows what their purpose is. Some people know early on what they want to do with their life, but some of us are still searching. For me, my faith tells me I’m here in this world at this particular time in history for a reason. God has a plan for me and he knows what it is even if I don’t (yet).

When I start letting my “not knowing” get the best of me, I search out an underdog or hero story. Nick Vujicic is one such person who fits into both categories. Born without arms or legs in 1982, he tried to drown himself at 8-years-old and then fought depression for many years afterward because he didn’t know why God made him the way he is. Then Nick found purpose in his faith. For a truly inspiring story, I hope you’llcheck this out.

Who inspires you to live more and fear less?

Live More, Fear Less: Survival Instinct

Posted on by
Reply

Let’s be kind to ourselves. 

Many of our fears are connected to the possibility of being hurt or losing our lives. The physical changes that happen to us when we’re afraid – dilation of pupils, an increase in heart rate and blood pressure, a rise in blood sugar, tensing of muscles – are meant to help us survive, to get us ready to fight or flee.

Some kinds of fear are a result of conditioning – circumstances in our past that create fear in us. Being bit by a dog can develop into a fear of dogs, even cute, little docile breeds. Being trapped in a closet could lead to claustrophobia. Falling into deep water and not being able to swim might even make a person fearful when looking at a photo of the ocean.

Fear might also be rooted in our natural survival instinct. It’s possible that people who are afraid of snakes, spiders, rats, etc have a stronger survival instinct than others who don’t share this same fear. Ages ago, when the bite of these creeping creatures killed humans on a much more regular basis than they do today, running away meant staying alive. Those that survived might have passed on this specific tendency in their genes.

Even those social fears that many of us have might also be related to our survival instinct. Take the fear of public speaking – what if you make mistakes/sound stupid/freeze up/vomit all over everyone? This fear could stem from being laughed at one too many times. Or maybe it comes from somewhere deep in our genetic makeup – an instinct to avoid the one-versus-many scenario (as in lynch mob).

Fear is a natural response to real or perceived threats to our physical or emotional beings, whether we’re conscious of them or not. Our fears are real, no matter their roots. And everyone is afraid of something.

So be kind to yourself. The next time you’re tempted to beat yourself up over a “silly” fear, try to remember that your response to those things you’re afraid of may very well have kept you (and your ancestors) alive.

Has your response in a fearful situation ever saved your life?

Live More, Fear Less: Perspective

Posted on by
Reply

There are so many things to worry about in this life: the state of the world with its pollution, wars, natural disasters, famine. There’s human trafficking, drug cartels, economic collapse. Some mothers watch their children waste away through starvation. Some fathers are beaten and killed for their faith or beliefs. Closer to home are the very real problems of putting food on the table, juggling bills, trying to keep a job, and deciding between paying the rent or going to the doctor. And then there are more personal worries like living alone or being lonely, growing old, and being forgotten.

It’s easy to worry, and it’s something I’m very good at when I practice. When I feel myself slipping into that place where I need to print business cards that read “Cate Macabe, Professional Worrier,” I stop and try to put things in perspective.

If I’m living in a car or a bombed-out building, do I worry about how fat I look in my jeans? While I’m sitting by my child’s hospital bed, do I care that my roots are showing? What is the fear of growing old compared to the fear of having nothing to feed my children? How does the fear of crowds or heights or giving an oral presentation compare to facing the devastation of a hurricane or a flood?

When I got the news that a friend of mine lost her only daughter to the hands of a murderer, the first thing I did was cry, and then I wailed. I was devastated for my friend, the heartbreak she felt, the horror of the crime. And I cried out for her daughter. There was so much she didn’t get to do. She was too young to be taken from this life. The next thing I did was look at my own teenage daughter and my life with her. Did all my rules, and nagging, and too-high expectations create the relationship I wanted? Did I want to push her away or look at each day with her as a gift to cherish? I decided, on the day I got my friend’s awful news, what was truly important and began making choices accordingly.

Don’t wait for a disaster to give you a new perspective. Decide now what is most important and take practical steps to follow through.

If living longer and enjoying your family as you age is what you worry about – walk a little everyday, make better food choices, exercise your mind. Is getting a job or holding on to one a concern? Update your skills, work for a temporary agency, volunteer in your field of interest.

Doing something for someone else can shift our focus and also change how we look at our own lives. Visit an elderly neighbor, hold the hand of someone’s who’s grieving, watch a busy Mom’s kids to give her some alone time, send thank-you cards and letters to soldiers serving overseas (especially in combat zones).

Today, this minute, we can’t help a starving child or love an orphan on the other side of the world, but we can contribute money or time to organizations that can. And if we have the heart for it, we can foster or adopt and change the life of such a child.

Unless we do something with our worry, it becomes a waste of our time and energy because it’s really only a useless exercise of the mind. Don’t let the worries of life get you down for long. Take one step back if you have to, then two steps forward and keep looking ahead.

What do you do to stop worry from getting out of hand?